i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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