on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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