I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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