I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
