i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
