I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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