My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize