I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think i got beer on your cat.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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