we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
