omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
