there's paper in my vomit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
