If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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