does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
