it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
