Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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