Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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