She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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