We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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