I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
