I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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