im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
