Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
