Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
