nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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