I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
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I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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