Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize