She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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