I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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