Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
