Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
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I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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