4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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