The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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