i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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