3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
did i walk over a car last night?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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