My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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