dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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