there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
