How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
