it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do herpes really smell.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
