Cold hands, warm shart.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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