I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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