We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
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He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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