woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
