Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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