I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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