This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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