Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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