I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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