what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
