watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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