I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
