Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
