you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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