Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
