whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
