I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
