OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
